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How can I help my boyfriend understand his mom is not my mom

We’re both first time parents. I’m 22 weeks pregnant and this is all new to us. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to fully understand that it’s nothing personal against his mom when I ask for privacy/ boundaries when it comes to his mother. He says I’m being unfair and his mother feels left out. For example, I’ve said that it’ll likely be just me and my boyfriend in the hospital when I give birth, with the exception that my mother will possibly come visit if I feel like I need her for support. This turned into him saying it’s unfair on his mother and she feels left out. The same also goes for once the baby is born, I’m asking for privacy for the first few weeks while I wrap my head around being a new parent. Again, with the exception of my mother incase I feel I need her for support. My boyfriend and his mother have both said this is unfair and I’m leaving MIL out. They don’t seem to understand that my mother is there to support and look after me, not just to visit and hold the baby. I don’t feel comfortable with my MIL seeing me so soon after giving birth or in labour as I’m pretty certain I’ll be exhausted, and not in the best condition…

Also, my MIL is a heavy smoker, unvaccinated, with 2 younger kids who both attend school (high sickness contamination in schools) and she also lives 3 hours drive away, meaning she would be looking to visit for 1/2 nights, not just a quick passing visit. Unlike my mother who has never smoked, is fully vaccinated, lives a 10 minute drive away and has no school aged children (I’m 24 and her youngest child).

My mother has my health as her top priority and any time she potentially visits she’ll be checking up on me and helping me out with things around the house as I feel comfortable with her coming in and doing what needs to be done as I have nothing to hide from her. She will not just be “visiting the baby”

It makes me seem and feel like I’m being a nasty gatekeeper. It’s as if it’s me against him and his mother when it comes to some things with the baby and I end up looking like the enemy for simply wanting what’s best for our baby.


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