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Mufasa
Mufasapublished in Men Who Cry
10/01/2022

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Suicide thoughts

Three years ago, I split up with my girlfriend. We've been conversing and occasionally hanging together since she moved in with a friend. I adore her more than anyone I've ever met, and I truly believed that we would be together forever. We both have children from other marriages, but since her children came in with me and my children, I haven't gotten along well with them.

This has caused some tension because I believe I treat them as I treat my own children when they act in an inappropriate way; they simply appear to act inappropriately more frequently. They just seem to do those things more frequently, but I feel like I treat them much like I treat my own kids when they act in an inappropriate manner. My own company is something I've wanted to have since I was a child, but it has been difficult and stressful on its own, which has affected us. In the spring, I was compelled to relocate the company from my house to a business location. That has been really difficult because it adds a $3000 monthly payment. Which forces me to focus even more on work, which has had a negative impact on us, even though I try to explain to her that I'm doing it to grow this so that it will support all of us and create something for our entire family.

We've been chatting and it appears like things might get resolved now that she's living with a friend, but then she withdraws once more. Since this has happened, suicidal thoughts have started to creep in. Today, at the dog park, I broke down and sat on a bench sobbing uncontrollably because all I could think about was going to the mountains to a picturesque spot I found a few years ago, thinking that would be a nice place to take my final breath. In order to make it home, I collected myself. I tried to text her and expressed my sincere wish that we might meet up tomorrow to fix things. 

She touching me is the nicest feeling I can imagine. After hanging out on Monday, we had arranged for her to join us tonight for a dog walk, but she canceled after work, claiming she was too exhausted. She told me she was going to bed right away. I left her in bed for a few hours, and when I returned from my walk, I texted her to express my want to see her the following day and to express my hope that she had received the rest she required. I was able to leave the dog park thanks to the thought that I might see her tomorrow. Thinking I might get to see her tomorrow was something that helped me get out of the dog park. She told me to stop pressuring her. I’m not trying too but my thoughts are turning from “what if I did this'' to “how, when, where” and I’m so scared of myself

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