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Tina Marino
10/03/2022

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My previous relationship and attachment style, in my opinion, severely damaged my perspective on relationships.

In addition to being ND and having an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, I also experienced a violent traumatic event when I was a young adult. I guess the basis of the problem is my childhood relationships with my parents (maybe also the trauma, though that might be ptsd). I always felt like I had to put on a show to win their attention and admiration since they were so emotionally distant.

I didn't have a romantic or sexual relationship of any type until I was twenty, not even a high school crush. And that partnership had its start with a married coworker of mine. I was heartbroken when they discontinued it three years later because I was genuinely terrified. Then I had a string of associations that began as affairs. My twenties and the beginning of my thirties were spent in those relationships. Every single time, I would develop uneasy attachments, have really poor self-esteem, and crumble for a considerable amount of time after the relationships ended. The pattern has been that.

Although my last relationship ended amicably and with almost similar interests (even if they had an avoidant attachment style and were not big on commitment), everything else was pretty difficult. They did, after all, claim to have noticed more issues than I did. But what surprised me was how it still affected me with the same intensity of emotion as my past relationships. It's still bothering me two years later.

Now that I'm older and have more relationship experience (albeit not always healthy ones), I'm quite scared to start dating again. While the fact that I need a strong emotional bond with someone who understands me despite being a highly tactile person. Actually, it's rather lonely. However, my desire for emotional security has taken precedence over my real interest in and openness to dating again. Because I'm afraid of my anxious style, I feel as though I've actually developed an avoidant attachment type.

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